The hard-working staff of the Road Kill Grill, Ransom Park, Texas.

General Manager - Lou Boyle
Head Chef - Meggan P. Uke
Assistant Chef - Sal Monella
Day Chef - Hans R. Dertee
Evening Chef - Constance Lee Burnitt
Late Night Chef - I. D. Worsen
Unfood Chef - Denice N. D'Nefu

A note from our general manager:
We hope your dining experience at the Road Kill Grill will be one you'll never forget (most folks say it is). While in the restaurant, however, a word of caution: anyone found forcing a child to eat something the child doesn't want will themselves be force-fed the contents of the kitchen grease trap (we'll see how a bully likes choking down something THEY don't like). The offender will then be escorted out of the restaurant AND the park. No refunds, no exceptions, no discussion.

Lou Boyle, General Manager
The Road Kill Grill

All breakfasts served with your choice of squishy hashburns, underdid bacon strips or greasy sausage, dried out toast or overdid bisskits* or underdid fench toast, and a 6 ounce glass of orange food drink stuff. Breakfasts which include hot cakes or wafflees do not come with toast or bisskits* or fench toast or tablecloths.

Traditchonal Breakfast
Two farm fresh eggs fixed almost any way you want $5.49
Three eggs (but not so fresh) $6.95
  add processed cheese food or dried up onion bits $1.05

Non-traditchonal Breakfast
Unknown quantity of eggs (some may be from chickens) fixed any way Chef pleases $3.49
NOTE: Chef chews tobacco so returning orders to the kitchen is not recommendacated.

Amulets
All amulets come with cheese, freshly hand cut into tiny pieces... not shredded. Chef gets up extra early every morning to cut the cheese for you.

Egg and Cheese $5.95
Egg and Ham with Cheese $5.95
Ham with Cheese $5.95
Egg and Potato with Cheese $5.95
Potato and Egg with Cheese $5.95
Cheese (Chef's favorite) $5.95
 Non-runny egg (fully cooked), all amulets, add $1.65

Cold Cereal
Shredded Weap, Weedies, Dreery-Oh's, Sugar Pots, Sugar Splats, Raisin Ban, Rice Crusties, Corn Fakes, Frosted Fates, Speckled K, Prodork 19, Grape Knots, Coo Coo Puffs, Alphabeets, Uncle Sands, Mewcaslix, Golden Crayons, Lucky Scars, Lucky Churns, Tix, Bran Flecks, Tootal, Toast Posties, Corn Chux, Rice Chocks, Wheat Chalks.
Your choice, per bowel $1.15
(If your favorite cereal isn't listed, the name and we'll inclusion it).


Messyzaneous Itums
Three Curdelmilk Hotcates $5.29
Three Bellchum Waffles $6.29
Syrup (one ounce, any flabor) $1.29
Bisskits* $2.29
Bisskits* and Graby $3.69

*Bisskits - everything you need to make your own biss (from a kit). Makes three bisseses.

All full lunches come with your choice of frenchflys or baked potato, coal slaw or potato solid, dinner roll or bisskits.

Grilled Road Kill
Our specialty (some items may not be available at all times)

Pressed Possum in Prune Sauce $5.85
Skidded Skunk in Vinegar $7.25
Squished Squirrel with Squash $6.45
Sheared Deer (with assorted parts) $8.35
Fowl Owl in Hootnanny Sauce $9.80
Segmented Snake in Aunti Venham's Special Sauce $3.15
Totaled Turtle Soup $3.25
Curdled Turtle Soup (sat unclaimed at the pickup window) $.35
Ground Gopher in Golf Cart Grease $4.95
Waffled Wolverine in Lard $9.75
Radial Rabbit in Carrot Puree $4.99
Creased Cyote Smothered in Flea Bits $7.45
Flatened Fox with Fritters $11.35
Amarillo Armadillo with Pop Tarts $5.35
Amarillo Armadillo on El Grillo (spicey Mexican style) $6.25
Askew Emu Stew in Featherlite Sauce $13.45
Askew Emu Stew Goo (leftover, leftbehind, abandoned stew) $9.45
Lamb Chopped $18.75
Lamb Chopped (hair removed... mostly) $21.00
Potluck Buck (bring your own buck and pot), preparation fee $31.00

From Your Grill to Ours... truckers special
For our gear-strippin customers what catch sompin on their grills and would like it fixed on ours. Call ahead and alert Chef you're coming in (he monitors CB channel 19 back in the kitchen). Just pull up to the back of the restaurant so Chef can scrape whatever it is off your grill. Comes with all the same extras as above. (NOTE: if the road kill is too entangled in your truck's grill, maybe we can remove the whole thing and lay it on our outdoor pit. Extra fee applies if your grill is welded on). Ten-four, diesel breath!

Disjointed Doe with Turnips $18.75
Busted Buck with Bacon Bits $15.95
Mangled Moose in Goose Fat $14.35
Kamakazi Cow in Milk Sauce $12.80
Slow Sheep simmered in Flea Dip $5.95
Goofy Goat with Grits $5.95
Hesitant Hog with Curley Fries $8.65
Mistaken Mule in Mustard Sauce $9.35
Geo Metro in WD-40 (Ranger Keith's favorite) $22.50
 substitute Isuzu cabover minitruck, add $3.00
Pitched Pampers in Secret Sauce $2.95

Face Food
For those who like that scavenger experience (or just don't like to use silverware like civilized folks). Stick your face in your road kill (or vice versa) like any good buzzard, with our face food fare.

Fly'd Chicken $3.45
Turkey Leg (please face the wall so your gnawing, stretching and popping of the tendons and other stringy defilements doesn't cause someone to gag to death) $5.75
Fly'd Fish where LDL and HDL cholesterol fight for your heart $5.65
Sparse Ribs (the joke's on you any time you gnaw on ribs like a dog for half an ounce of meat... but hey, folks just love'm so we serve'm. NOTE: placing your sparse ribs on the floor and nosing them all over the restaurant like a dog is discouraged.)
one chest cavity in two halves $19.95

Extra grease for around the mouth (for that greasy look and feel face-food eaters love, spread this stuff all over your face, hands, and arms while eating your road kill).
Pig fat, quart $1.00

See Food
For our see food customers (the ones who chew with their mouths open so everyone can "see" their food).

Catfish Ole with Canine Bits, Floating in Tobasco Sauce $11.75
Carp 'n Crud, Floating in Tobacco Sauce $4.85
Pike 'n Tripe, Floating in Brownish Green Sauce (self bubbling) $13.80
Electric Eel Meal (DC, negative ground polarity only) $17.50
Gummy Shrimp (may contain bits of rubber eraser... hard to tell the difference) $9.65
Slammin' Salmon (been knocking around the freezer for a while) $2.00
Baked White Fish $8.35
Baked Red Fish $9.25
Baked Polkadot Fish (rare, seasonal) $18.50

Razen Rolls
An RKG exclusive! If you enjoy imagining you've found an insect in your bread items as some folks do, we offer our special Raizen rolls (developed by Dr. Bile-za Raizen from his reseach into the disorder "Bakerus Twisticus"). And since the RKG goes all the wey, you won't just be imagining it's an insect... it really IS! Guaranteed to contain no less than five vile anomalies. Ummmmm... was that a waterbug or just a common old roach?
Three Raizen rolls $1.45

Raizen Roll Kits We save all the used pest strips and roach motels from around the restaurant for the razen-roll crowd. Build your own disgusting bug-filled rolls from our parts. They come with three rolls and a used pest trapping device loaded with goodies.
Strip or Motel, each kit $6.95

South of the Barter
Everything comes with beans and rice on the side or wherever it'll fit on the table

Taca's (corn or flower tortalla disks rolled around your choice of beet, checkin, chilly, or cheese)
  One taca for $1.35
  Two tacas for $1.25
  Three tacas for $1.15
  Dozen tacas for $0.50
  (these tortalla disk thingies are rolling outta the machine faster than we can get rid of them, therefor we are giving a discount for ordering in bulk)
Choloopys (we has no idea what these are. Mmmmmm... good!) $4.75
Tamollys (we know what these are... Sawdust and lard rolled in an edible paper towell), three for $2.75
Inchalittle Dinner (your choice of beef, chicken or cheese) $5.95
Bowel of Chilly, Beans and Cheese $3.75
  cut the beans or cut the cheese, still $3.75
Carnie K. Sada (must be the name of the guy who invented this stuff) $4.95
Chilly Con Creosote (kinda tastes like eating treated lumber) $5.85
Facheatus (noisy, rude, stupid dish for heart attack wannabe's) $15.85
Facheatus Elitist: Boorish Specticle (elevate your ego AND your cholesterol... a balcony-mounted spotlight follows your waiter from kitchen to table as he parades around the room with your smoldering, stinking plate of fat and gristle).
Boorish Specticle, per plate $21.75
Facheatus Elitist Completest: Obnoxious Facheatus to the Max (the ultimate specticle tops off the above deal with Chef calling your cell phone five minutes after your plate arrives to see if everything's to your liking. Make folks at surrounding tables hate your phone-yacking guts instead of just your noisy, obnoxious food).
Obnoxious Facheatus to the Max, per plate $29.95

Dinner, like in most restaurants, is the same stuff you can get at lunch, only at a higher price. Please use the Lunch menu, and just add 30% to the prices. Everything else is the sameness. Dinner begins at 5:00 PM.

If you call this meal supper, use lunch menu but only add 15%

All dessurps come with a free spurt of canned whipped topping (add $.50)

Pie (Abble, Cheery, Peecan, Corkanot, Chalkalot, Lennamon), slice $1.85
Jello (choice of prune, raisin, tuna, Gas-X, brown graby, or leftover surprise), each $1.25
Clabberler (Appapple or Peench) $2.65
Brownknees, 3 for $1.30
Pie Alacommode $2.25
Top any of the aboveness with fatflea yogut (chalkalot, vermillion, strawbelly), add $1.00

All samaches come with bread of some kind (and of some age)

The Club (four inches of hardwood nightstick wrapped in a toasted pimplenicker bun) $6.95
 with termites $7.95
Hamburper, flys and a cork (read this any way you want) $2.95
Tasted Cheese $2.65
RKG BLT (Brake-on, Lattace, Toematter) $3.05
Hammon Cheese $2.35
  Cut the cheese $1.95
Tunanner (tuna and banana on a Klingon role) $2.35
Hot Roast Beet (NOTE: we DO NOT endfur that beets are food) $2.15
Smote Turkle (using RKG's own patentdead process of smoting) $2.85

All soups come with heat already installationed. We take special care to ensure your soup's temperature is just right when it reaches you. Therefour, our servers are instruted to keep one thumb submerged in your soup bowl from the kitchen to the table. Not responsible for burned lips, fingers, laps, or for items consumed which may have slipped from server's fingers into soup on it's way to your table. Prepare to eat soup: ready... EAT!

Vegetabubble... for grownups... or anyone else with a poor sense of taste.
Mixed Vegetable $1.80
Sorted Vegetable $2.35
Split Pee $.30
Broc-ecoli (not served to anyone under 17) $1.45
   with green cheese, add $1.10
Colliefowler (also not served to anyone under 17) $1.45
Gabbage $1.45
  clothespins, each $.35
Any of the above soups, without vegetables, add $1.00

Normal Soups... safe for kids... or for anyone with a good sense of taste.
Onyawn $1.80
  with Certs, add $1.10
Potater (made fresh from yesterday's mashed potaters) $1.80
   without graby (removed in a separator) $2.95
Toe Matter $1.65
Chicken Nodule $1.95
Scream of Chicken $1.95
Clammy Chowderhead $2.25
Mock Tomain $3.75
Busted Bum (hot water and table catchup... you decide on the mix) $.50

Trucker's Special... your truck may run outta gas but you won't... guaranteed!
Three Bean Soup, all you can hold in twenty minutes... then you gotta leave $2.85
Single dose of Gas-Ax or Kablamo (gut gas gobblers) $.65

The Wide Load Lunch... truckers special. If this don't wind up on the inside of your windshield an hour down the road, use our stomach pump for free next visit!

Chef ventures all the way to the back of the walk-in cooler for this one (not without some risk to himself). Unproportioned amounts of various grilled road kill, served with potato solid, harsh browns, frenchflys, braked potato, five kinds of beans, three kinds of graby, salad, numerous dressings (no choice... sorry), fuzzy greenish stuff (may be bread or rolls), and mix-or-mismatch desserts (or stuff that's similar to desserts). To help you choke it all down, you get any amount of any beverage we have on hand or can be found lurking in a different time zone at the back of the cooler. Eat up!
All this can be yours for $9.75

The Olive Drab Garden Festervial... Spewgetti Dinner. To be seen standing in line outside of a particular restaurant seems to be more important to some folks than edible food at a fair price. For those, we offer our Spewgetti Dinner which will help you simulate the name-dropper restaurant experience (and ripoff price). You can even stand in a line while you EAT your food!

Clumpy spaghetti in a gut-wrenchingly strong toematter sauce with three times the normal amount of basil and other bitter spices, 2 meat balls (Spam spheres), bread stakes coated with garlic-lard, salad (half a head of lettuce cut into three pieces, one toematter cut into four pieces), and a garlic dog biscuit.
Serves one, no seconds, no refunds $15.99

The Outbackside Shafthouse Steakout Glutton Special. Another simulation of a place to be seen eating regardless of price or quality. Except this time, you don't have to stand in line or wait at your table till the food arrives... we hand you a cheap pager-like device which you can take with you anywhere in the restaurant (visit the gift shop why dontcha?). When we're good and ready for you, your device will beep (or possibly explode... sorry), and you can come galloping back to your table. The pager/beeper can also double as a communicator in case you'd like to contact Captain Kork aboard the Enterputz and request a beamup (you'll have to pay your bill before leaving, however).

3 pounds of tough, rubbery steak, undercooked for that vampire experience. Comes with a baked potater and a token salad. That's it!
Glutton plate $17.99


The Fizzler Steak-In-The-Heart Stroke Inducer. Nothing really special about this meal (just like the real thing) except the fat content and the price... they're HIGH!

Choke down enough beef (or sompin like beef) to feed a family of four. Fixed any way you want it (except done... yummy!). Comes with all the taters and fatty graby one person can handle. And we mean ONLY one... please don't ask for extra plates and silverware just 'cause there's so much meat. Hey... have your stroke (or heart attack) while you're still in the restaurant and the meal's on us!!!
Fizzler Stake (uh... make that Steak) $19.95
3 nitro tabs $1.00


Loopy's Cafetearya Loonyanne Splatter Military Chow Simulator. Wow... it's just like being back in the military. Controlled, individualized, segmentized, scrutinized, pre-portioned, pre-sized, pre-shaped, pre-shrunk and pre-served micro-portions of bland food selected from a cafeteria-style chow line are "splattered" on mini-plates. A dab of this, a smattering of that, two bites of whatever-that-is (you probably don't wanna know, so don't ask!). Part of the fun is trying to arrange all those little plates in front of you at the table. You MUST stand at attention and declare your desire for Loonyanne before getting in line.
TEN-SHUN!! DECLARE CHOICE! HUT two, three, barf!

Your choice of one meat, two veggies, a bread item, and water (beverage, dessert, and other extras are extra if you want extras). Please take your tray to the Bleuhair room and seat yourself.
Loonyanne Splatter $6.95

Coming soon... Starputz Coffee (tentative name... could change). Yepper... another ripoff product at a sensable price brought to you by the RKG research staff. Soon, the Road Kill Grill will offer every imaginable, dorky, snobby coffee with a meaningless name (is Lot A a word or the first space in a trailer park?). Heck, anybody can make coffee so strong that you're buzzed into a stupor where you think it's good. Lou Boyle, General Manager of the RKG, searched garage sales, flea markets, junk stores and dump sites to find just the right apparatus to impress you into thinking coffee's hard to make. Lou found a small steam engine and is having it chrome plated so as to appear to be something it's not (just like the flashy thingies at Starputz). Keep checking back here for the details. If it's a ripoff, we can do it better at the RKG! Uh... cheaper, too.

Taste-alikes old fast food standards. When nothing else will do, we have the fatty, greasy, nasty stuff you're used to. No need to leave the park for your favorite fast foods, just pick from our varied selections misrepresenting the most popular greaspits:
MacDurnold's, Burger Fling, Whataburper, Windease, Yak In The Box, Taco Bile, Taco Cablama, Kannedturky Fly'd Chicken, Chirpsess, Subsonic, Bopeye's, Bill Mailer's, Dreary Green, Pizza Glut, Mr. Gassie's, Dummynose, Little Sneezer's, Seesea's, Subwake, Snotzkey's.

Don't see your favorite place listed? Then and let us know what it is.

NOTE: we don't list the likes of Dung Cow, Bloaten Wok, etc. here in the fast food section for obvious reasons (fast may describe it's trip through your digestive system, but food is a sadistic lie). If you're into fast garbage establishments, try our UNFOOD menu items, or call your local dumpster provider (they even deliver!).