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THE CHAPEL HUMOR PAGE

Last update: 2 March 2002

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| NEW | THINGS TO PONDER | KIDS PRAYERS | KIDS VIEW | TEXAS CHURCH |

| BIBLE Q&A | BLOOPERS | STORIES | BILLBOARDS | CHURCH SIGNS | POETRY | HYMNS |

| BAD CHURCH |


Around the park...








New Humor
  • While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.
    The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
    The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
    The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
    Little Johnny was the final child and he said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."

  • There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

  • While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
    Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

  • A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

  • A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

  • A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.
  • A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."

  • The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
  • Under same management for over 2000 years.
  • Soul food served here.
  • Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
  • You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.
  • Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
  • Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
  • We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks.
  • Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.
  • Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
  • Come early for a good Back-seat.
  • Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?
  • Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
  • A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
  • Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
  • It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.
  • The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.
  • Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
  • To belittle is to be little.
  • You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.
  • Come in and let us prepare you for your finals.
  • A miser is a rich pauper.
  • Ask about our pray-as-you-go plan.
  • We hold sit-in demonstrations every Sunday.
  • No matter how much you nurse a grudge it won't get better.
  • Start living to beat hell.
  • If some people lived up to their ideals they would be stooping.
  • Everything you always wanted to know about heaven and hell but were afraid to ask.
  • Pray up in advance.
  • At an Arizona church in August: You think it's hot HERE?
  • I was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me.

    You May Be Baptist If..........
  • You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
  • You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
  • You think that someone who says "amen" while the pastor is preaching is charismatic.
  • You complain because your pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.
  • You clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty all week.
  • You woke up craving fried chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans and interpreted it as a "call" to preach.
  • You're old enough to get senior citizen discounts, but not old enough to be promoted into the senior adult dept.
  • You think God's presence is always strongest in the last three pews.
  • You think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
  • You think "Victory in Jesus" is the national anthem.
  • The first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before.
  • You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
  • Your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
  • You have ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will be paid off.
  • You honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
  • You think Welch's grape juice and saltines were served at the Last Supper.

    God is like...
  • BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles.
  • FORD ... He's got a better idea.
  • COKE ... He's the real thing.
  • HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
  • TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
  • GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
  • SEARS ... He has everything.
  • ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
  • SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
  • DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
  • ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
  • VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
  • DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did?

  • People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.
  • Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
  • Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


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    Bad Church

    You may be in a bad Texas church if...
  • The church bus has gun racks. (So what's wrong with that?)
  • The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-pastor.
  • The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
  • There's an ATM in the lobby.
  • The choir wears leather robes.
  • Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
  • No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
  • Karaoke Worship Time (actually this should apply to ANY time).
  • Ushers ask, "Smoking or non-smoking?"
  • The only song the organist knows is "Take Me Out To The Ball Game."



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    Things To Ponder

  • Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
  • Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
  • God grades on the cross, not the curve.
  • God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
  • If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
  • Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
  • Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
  • The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
  • The best way to get even is to forget...
  • Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
  • God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
  • Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
  • Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...
  • Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
  • Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up! ...
  • Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous.
  • You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
  • Words are windows to the heart.
  • A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall,claims it's a forgery.
  • It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill just add a little dirt.
  • A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person.
  • The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
  • Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.
  • The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so many people can't hold it.
  • To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
  • You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive.
  • It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
  • You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...
  • If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
  • And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!

    Team Pray-ers
  • Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
  • Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
  • Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
  • Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
  • Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
  • Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
  • Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
  • Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
  • Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
  • End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
  • Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
  • Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
  • Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
  • To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
  • Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
  • Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
  • A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
  • I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
  • Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
  • People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross."
  • Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of what you make of it.
  • Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?
  • Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
  • Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.



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    Kid's Prayers

  • A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail . . . "

  • A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."

  • One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

  • A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God 'Harold'"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."

  • And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

  • During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle... and He just then did!"

  • One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

  • A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

  • A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

  • A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".

  • A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?". "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

  • Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."



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    How Kid's View Bible Facts

    The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected:
  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is that thou shall not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
  • Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
  • He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
  • A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.



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    Bible Q&A

    Q. Who was the greatest financer in the Bible?
    A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

    Q. Who was the greatest female financer in the Bible?
    A. Pharaoh's daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

    Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
    A. Ruth-less.

    Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
    A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.

    Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
    1. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
    2. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
    3. A Honda-because the apostles were all in one Accord.
    4. II Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle. "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

    Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
    A. Samson-he brought the house down.

    Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
    A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out. Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

    Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
    A. They were really put out.

    Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
    A. They raised Cain.

    Q. What excuse did Adam give his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

    Q. The ark was built three stories high and the top story had a window to let light in. But, how did they get light to the bottom two stories?
    A. They used floodlights.

    Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
    A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep.

    Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
    A. The thought had never entered his head before.

    Q. If Goliath was resurrected, would you want to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
    A. No, he already fell for it once.

    Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
    A. German Shepherds.

    Q. What is the best way to get to heaven?
    A. Turn right and go straight.

    Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
    A. Moses-he broke all 10 Commandments at once.

    Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
    A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.

    Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
    A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read: "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up; and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

    Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
    A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

    Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?
    A. It's in Kings, where it says David sat on the throne for forty years.

    Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
    A. Joshua, son of Nun.



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    You may be in a Texas church if...

  • The doors are never locked.
  • The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
  • People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
  • The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
  • The restrooms are outside.
  • Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  • A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because "I ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
  • In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves".
  • Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
  • When it rains, everybody's smiling.
  • Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
  • There's a singing group known as the "OK Chorale".
  • The church directory doesn't have last names.
  • The pastor wears boots.
  • Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
  • The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer, and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
  • There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
  • Baptism is referred to as "branding".
  • There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
  • Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
  • You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 O'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health.
  • High notes on the organ sets dogs in the parking lot to howling.
  • People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
  • People think "Rapture" is what happens when you lift something too heavy.
  • The cemetery is in such barren ground that people are buried with a sack of fertilizer to help them rise on Judgment Day.
  • It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
  • The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah!".



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    Church Bulletin Bloopers



  • Sermon Outline:
       I. Delineate your fear
      II. Disown your fear
     III. Displace your rear
  • Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
  • If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
  • Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
  • Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
  • Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
  • Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
  • If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
  • We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
  • Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
  • Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
  • Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
  • Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
  • The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
  • The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
  • As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.
  • Fifth Sinday is Lent.
  • Thank you, dead friends.
  • Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
  • Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
  • Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
  • For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
  • Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
  • Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.
  • Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
  • The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
  • Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
  • Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess.
  • We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
  • The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
  • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  • Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
  • Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  • Today's sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
  • Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
  • The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
  • Thursday night potluck supper with prayer and medication to follow.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  • Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11.
  • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  • The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge. Up yours.
  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy"
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".
  • Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
  • Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
  • The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the congregation.
  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.
  • The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  • Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.


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    Stories

  • A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car, she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do.
    She called home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help. An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate, and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car. " He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much..... You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud..... "Thank you God for sending me a professional!".

  • While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    "Glory be unto the Faaaather... and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."

  • There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.
    And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

  • A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

  • A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
    "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
    "How do you know that?"
    "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

  • After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
    "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
    "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

  • A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

  • A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked.
    "Why, God tells me."
    "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

  • A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

  • After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

  • Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
    "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
    "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
    "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

  • The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly... do you say prayers before eating?"
    "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

  • A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

  • Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

  • A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
    "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
    "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
    "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
    Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

  • A Sunday school teacher was telling her young class about the children of Isreal: "The children of Israel crossed the Red sea and Pharaoh's army drowned. They walked around Jericho 7 times and the walls fell down. They also killed all the Philistines." A little girl raised her hand, and said, "I want to know something... just where were their parents during all this?!?"
  • Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
    The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!
  • Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

  • An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

  • A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

  • A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

  • An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout PRAISE GOD! Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no God!!"
    Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.. She stood on her porch and shouted "GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE GOD SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
    The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise God!"
    The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha..Ha! I told you there was no God. I bought those groceries, not God."
    The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise God, He not only sent me groceries but He made the devil pay for them!"

  • A new preacher moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit the various members of the congregation. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20," and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
    Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
    Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, 'I heard thy voice in the garden, but was naked, and I hid myself.'"

  • An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Doctor and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the Doctor and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
    The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves..... and that's how I want to go.

  • A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
    The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
    "How would you do it?"
    "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday's Service!"

  • One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
    "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
    "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
    Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

  • On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get a justice of the peace in heaven to marry them. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." And he left.
    The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
    "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
    "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
    "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a justice of the peace up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

  • A man from Kansas decided to write a book about large churches across the United States. He flew to San Francisco and entered a large church there to take photographs. He noticed a sign on a golden telephone which stated "Direct calls to God: $10,000". "Wow!", he thought. "That's expensive".
    Next he flew to Clinton, Nebraska, to photograph a large church in that city. Once again, he saw a golden telephone with the same sign, "Direct calls to God: $10,000". Wondering if all churches had this, he flew to New York, Chicago, and Milwaukee. Entering large churches in each city, he found the same golden phone and the same posted price for talking to God.
    Next he flew to San Antonio, Texas. Entering the largest church he could find, he noticed the same golden phone, but this time the price was only 25 cents. Stopping a man dressed in black, he asked why all the churches he'd been in across the United States charged $10,000 to call Heaven and talk to God, and here it was only 25 cents. The reply was "well, in Texas, it's a local call".

  • A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
    The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher..I sure am."
    The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
    "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
    The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
    "Noooo, I did not Reverend."
    The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
    The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

  • A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

  • A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

  • A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money. I noticed, however, that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those devils deducted $95.00.

  • A certain elementary school got a new teacher. This new teacher was an atheist and proud of it. In fact, he was always talking about it, and since the kids were fairly young, he intimidated them. One day he boldly announced, "My mother was an atheist, my father was an atheist and I'm an atheist. How many in this room atheists?"
    The kids, being a little scared of him, all raised their hands; all except for one little girl. So then he asked her, "Well, what are you then?"
    She said, "I'm a Christian. My mother is a Christian, my father is a Christian and I'm a Christian too."
    The teacher then sarcastically snarled, "If your mother was a moron and your father was a moron, what would that make you?"
    She thought for a moment and meekly replied, "I guess that would make me an atheist."

  • One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
    TOMMY:Yes.
    TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
    TOMMY: Yes.
    TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
    TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
    TEACHER: Did you see God?
    TOMMY: No.
    TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
    TOMMY: Yes.
    LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
    TOMMY: Yessssss!!
    LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
    TOMMY: Yessssss!!!!
    LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
    TOMMY: Yes.
    LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
    TOMMY: No.
    LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we we've been taught in school today, she must not have one! (For we walk by faith, not by sight. II Corinthians 4:7).

  • An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
    The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

  • One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

  • A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

  • It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
    The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."

  • Every pastor has heard his share of excuses from members who somehow don't make it to service regularly. To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
    Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
    There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
    Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
    We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
    Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
    Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
    Scorecards will be available for those who think themselves perfect.
    We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
    One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
    One section will be devoted to small groups of whispering gossips and back stabbers.
    Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
    The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
    We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton balls for those who think he's too loud.
    We will provide a television for those who worship sports instead of God, which will be switched onto the pre-pre-pre game show the instant the preacher says "dismissed".
    We will provide a special section in the television section for those who wish to remain behind in case the Lord returns during a sporting event. And please.... remain behind with our blessing!

  • A young woman teacher of obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheist too. Not really knowing what atheism is, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like freshly fired fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
    "Because I'm not an atheist."
    "Then, " asks the teacher, "what are you?"
    "I'm a Christian."
    The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
    "Well, my Mom is a Christian and my Dad is Christian, so I am a Christian."
    The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
    A pause and a little smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

  • A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt." The son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

  • A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table receiving emergency coronary bypass surgery, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it.
    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"
    God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

  • A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
    His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, 'you know what the Bible means?'"
    The son replied "I know what the letters 'B-i-b-l-e mean."
    "Okay " said his father. "What does it mean?"
    "That's easy, Daddy; it stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'".

  • An atheist is swimming in the ocean and suddenly sees a shark heading his way. Scared to death, he begins swimming for his boat, which is quite a distance away. As the great, white beast gets closer, the atheist screams, "Oh, God! Save me!" In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water as he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" The atheist, knowing he can't lie, replies "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord replies, "As you wish". The light retracts back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back, the shark's jaws start to close down on him, then stop. The shark pulls back and says "Thank you Lord for the food which I am about to receive..."

  • "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
    "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
    "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

  • A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you can get in."
    "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
    "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
    "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
    "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
    "One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
    "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
    "Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate, the only way I will get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
    "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

  • A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to the church service, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

  • A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
    "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
    With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

  • The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

  • Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
    "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
    Angie pointed to the back of the church and said; "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

  • A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments, and were ready to discuss the last one. Their teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

  • There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
    An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
    The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
    Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
    But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
    St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?"

  • A man arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the man's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
    "How current is your copy?" asks the man.
    "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
    "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
    "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
    The man thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them to leave the poor innocent girl alone, that they were all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals. Then I told them to go home before I really taught them a lesson in PAIN!"
    St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
    "About three minutes ago."

  • Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
    The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
    The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
    The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
    Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
    "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
    "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
    "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

  • A new Sunday school teacher was trying to make use of her college psychology training. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

  • Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face one Sunday morning. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
    "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
    "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

  • A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
    Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

  • At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
    Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

  • The little boy returned home from church and proudly proclaimed to his father that he had the lead part in the children's play. He was going to play a father who had been married 25 years. His dad lamented, "Too bad. Maybe next time they will give you a speaking part."

  • There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
    The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
    He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
    She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
    He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
    The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
    "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
    "Then you can ask him", replied the lady.

  • A group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
    The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
    God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
    But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
    The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
    God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

  • A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

  • A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
    "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
    "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
    Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is!"

  • An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
    "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

  • Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
    The man said, "I do father."
    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
    "Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
    O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

  • An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in an accident. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
    "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven".
    Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
    The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
    St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free".
    Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out and ready to eat.
    "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
    "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it's free!", St. Peter replied with some exasperation.
    "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
    St Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven".
    With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. St. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
    The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

  • Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
    The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
    The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and they give him $100."
    The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect the money!"

  • A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!"
    With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it into the river!"
    Finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it into the river, too!!"
    The minister sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River".

  • A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. The health inspector said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.
    The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead"?
    The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first".

  • Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
    Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
    God replied, "An arm and a leg."
    Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
    The rest is history.



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    Highway Billboards

  • A family altar can alter a family.
  • Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
  • C'mon over and bring the kids. -God
  • What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
  • We need to talk. -God
  • Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
  • Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
  • That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God
  • I love you and you and you and you and... -God
  • Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God
  • Follow me. -God
  • Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
  • My way is the highway. -God
  • Need directions? -God
  • You think it's hot here? -God
  • Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God
  • Do you have any idea where you're going? -God
  • Don't make me come down there. -God



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    Church Signs

  • God answers knee-mail.
  • Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to Christ for a faith lift!
  • Be fishers of men: you catch'em - Jesus'll clean'em.
  • Give God what's right --, not what's left!
  • WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
  • God doesn't want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest!
  • We don't change the message, the message changes us.
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"!
  • "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
  • "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
  • "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
  • An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
  • When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays", the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
  • "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons--come hear one!"
  • A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
  • "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
  • "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
  • "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
  • "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
  • "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
  • "Fight truth decay--study the Bible daily."
  • "How will you spend eternity--Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
  • "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
  • "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
  • "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
  • "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
  • "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
  • "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
  • "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
  • "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
  • "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
  • "In the dark? Follow the Son."
  • "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
  • "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
  • "Seven days without prayer makes one weak."


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    Poetry

  • LITTLE LAMB
    Mary had a little lamb,
    His fleece was white as snow.
    And everywhere that Mary went,
    The Lamb was sure to go.
    He followed her to school each day,
    When it wasn't against the rule.
    He made the children laugh and play,
    To have a Lamb at school.
    Then the rules changed one day,
    Against the law it became.
    To bring the Lamb of God to school,
    Or even speak His Name
    Every day got worse and worse,
    And days turned into years.
    Instead of hearing children laugh and play,
    You heard them crying tears.
    What must we do to stop the crime,
    That's in our schools today?
    Let the Lamb come back to school,
    And teach our kids to PRAY.


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  • PRAYER
    Written by a 12 year old girl in Boston (more sad then funny)
    Now I sit me down in school
    Where praying is against the rule.
    For this great nation under God
    Finds mention of Him very odd.
    If Scripture now the class recites
    It violates the Bill of Rights.
    Anytime my head I bow
    Becomes a federal matter now.
    The law is specific; the law is precise.
    Praying out loud is no longer nice.
    Praying aloud in a public hall
    Upsets those who believe in nothing at all.
    In silence alone we can meditate
    And if God should get the credit-great!
    They are bringing their guns;
    I don't dare bring my Bible,
    To do so, might make me liable.
    So, now Oh Lord, this plea I make;
    Should I be shot in school,
    My soul please take.


  • WHERE GOD AIN'T
    He was just a little boy, on a week's first day.
    He was wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.
    He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he found a caterpillar.
    He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the 'filler'.

    A bird's nest in a tree overhead,
    so wisely placed on high.
    Was just another wonder
    that caught his eager eye.

    A neighbor watched his zig zag course,
    and hailed him from the lawn;
    Asked him where he'd been that day
    and what was going on.

    "I've been to Bible School," he said
    and turned a piece of sod.
    He picked up a wiggly worm replying,
    "I've learned a lot of God."

    "A very fine way," the neighbor said,
    "for a boy to spend his time."
    "If you'll tell me where God is,
    I'll give you a brand new dime."

    Quick as a flash the answer came!
    Nor were his accents faint.
    "I'll give you a dollar, Mister,
    if you can tell me where God ain't!"


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    Hymns For All Occasions

    Hymns for Older Folks...
  • It is well with my soul (but my back aches a lot)
  • Nobody knows the Trouble I have Seeing
  • Amazing Grace (considering my age)
  • Just a Slower Walk with Thee
  • Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
  • Go Tell It on the Mountain--and Speak Up!
  • Give Me That Old Timer's Religion
  • Blessed Insurance
  • Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah" (I've forgotten where I parked)"

    Occupational Hymns...
  • The Dentist's Hymn:....."Crown Him With Many Crowns"
  • The Weatherman's Hymn....."There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing"
  • The Contractor's Hymn....."The Church's One Foundation"
  • The Tailor's Hymn....."Holy, Holy, Holy"
  • The Dry Cleaner's Hymn....."O For a Faith That Will Not Shrink"
  • The Golfer's Hymn....."There Is A Green Hill Far Away"
  • The Politician's Hymn....."Standing On The Promises"
  • The Optometrist's Hymn....."Open My Eyes That I May See"
  • The Obstetricians Hymn....."Come, Labor On"
  • The Librarians Hymn....."Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence"
  • The Lawyer's Hymn....."In The Hour of Trial"
  • The Credit Card User's Hymn....."A Charge To Keep I Have"
  • The Census Taker's Hymn....."All People That On Earth Do Dwell"
  • The Taxation Officer's Hymn....."We Give Thee But Thine Own"
  • The Traffic Engineer's Hymn....."Where Cross The Crowded Ways of Life"


    If you find a duplication somewhere on this page or just wish to send us your comments,




    All the Chapel humor on this page was submitted in one form or another by visitors to Ransom Park. If you feel any item on this page to be from a copyrighted source, and tell us which item(s) and what the copyrighted source is. It is not our intent to reprint any copyrighted material on this web site, and upon reasonable proof it will be removed.

    This page has become so large that the background MIDI music was removed to shorten page loading time (so it appears more quicknesser on your screen). Feel free to hum or whistle while reading the humor. Alan Keith

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    THAT BE IT FOR NOW

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